Probably.
[The actual game starts.]
You’re playing now.
OK. What am I doing?
[I point to the left analog stick.] That’s how you move. The right one’s the camera. I don’t think you have any weapons yet.
[My mom immediately moves the camera as high as it will go.]
Put the camera lower. I can’t see.
[She then puts it as low as it will go.]
That’s too low. I can only see the grass.
[She continues to fluctuate between the lowest and highest angles.]
What am I looking for?
You were on the path, and then you walked off it.
How do I get back on the path? Where’s the path? Here, let’s go back to the beginning.
Go back to the pedestal.
[We spend some time looking for the path.]
Above: Your character’s Hollow form is just beautiful.
Move the camera left or right, not just up or down.
Is it over here?
I don’t know. Walk over there.
[Another player’s ghost shows up and starts running off.]
Follow him.
[My mom does, but she runs in a constant zig-zag.]
Why are you constantly zig-zagging? Walk straight!
I’m trying to follow the path!
You can walk through the grass!
Oh god, I have to go through this bridge. I hope I don’t fall off.
[Two seconds later and my mom has crossed the bridge.]
Hey! I did pretty good!
Yup.
[The bridge takes us in front of a creepy house.]
Press X to open?
You’ll open the door.
[We enter the house, which is full of old-looking women who talk a lot about how we’re cursed and stuff.]
Above: Like them, but witchier.
Oh, lord.
[We watch a cutscene. They ask for my mom’s character’s name.]
OK. You have to name your character.
[My mom groans.]
Push X and put in your name.
[My mom sighs.]
Why are you sighing like that?
What am I going to put as my name?!
Whatever you want!
[After some time and laborious navigation of the PlayStation 3’s digital keyboard, my mom settles on warrior. Yes, with the lowercase w.]
Warrior. Is that your name?
Yeah.
[The cutscene continues. Now my mom has to design her character.]
Now you have to make your character.
[My mom lets out a long sigh.]
Really?
Yeah.
Gender?
You can make a girl if you want.
[She sighs again.]
What’s wrong? It’s not going to be naked like that [referring to the preview of our character, who only wears a cloth around a his waist]. You don’t want to be a girl?
No.
You can make yourself muscular.
[She does.]
Now what?
[Fearing my mom has had enough of character customization, I try to get her to move on.]
OK, now what class do you want to be? Do you want to be warrior the warrior?
Yeah.
[And so it is.]
Above: Visual approximation of warrior the warrior.
Ok, go to gift. You can pick a special gift to help you. A life ring, a human effigy, a homeward bone, a seed of a tree of giants… .
[My mom picks the life ring.]
Why did you pick the life ring?
I like rings.
[The cutscene continues. The old women start talking more about our curse.]
They would be more happy if they went to the dentist.