[The cutscene ends.]
Oh god, I have to move again.
[My mom opens and closes the door a few times before leaving the house. Soon my mom is walking through a creepy forest surrounded by sharp ledges.]
Can I jump?
No, I don’t think you can jump in this game.
[My mom falls off a cliff.]
Ooo, this vibrated.
Yeah, the controller vibrates.
Oh, I died. I earned a trophy.
You got a trophy for dying.
Am I done?
No!
Whaaaat?
You’re supposed to die in this game a lot. I want to see you fight something at least.
Above: A common sight for my mother.
[My mom respawns.]
Maybe you have a weapon you can equip. Push start.
[I spend a lot of time trying to help my mom navigate the complex menu. Even I’m not sure how to equip the weapons in our inventory. My mom refuses to give me the controller. We eventually give up and head into the forest again.]
Oh, I go backwards when I push the O button.
That’s good. You can dodge people.
[My mom runs off another ledge and dies.]
Dang it.
You’re just getting your bearings.
[We respawn again and go back into the forest. My mom goes through some creepy mist and encounters some zombie-like creatures.]
Uh oh, look out.
[My mom just runs past them.]
Who are these guys?
They’re trying to hurt you.
But I did nothing!
We have to figure out how to equip your sword.
Equip my sword?
Yeah, you have a sword. They’re chasing you.
[My mom runs off another ledge and dies.]
OK, we’ll equip your sword this time, and you’ll be able to fight them.
I have to start all the way at the beginning again?
You didn’t even get very far!
Yes I did!
No you didn’t, you walked like 10 feet.
Goddddd.
Above: A close likeness of my mother’s face at this time.
[We go into the start menu again and try to equip the sword. We still can’t figure it out. We leave the menu and I tell my mom to just push all the buttons. She eventually pushes left and right on the d-pad, which equips her sword and shield.]
There you go, now you can attack people. You ready to go beat up those people now?
I guess.
[My mom goes back into the forest.]
I can’t walk and fight at the same time.
You don’t have to.
They’re probably hiding now because I have a sword.
[My mom then promptly runs off another ledge and dies.]
Oh, dang it! Do I have to get the sword and thing all over again? That’s why I don’t like this game. It’s frustrating! My blood pressure is probably going up.
I just want to watch you fight them. Look, you still have your sword.
[My mom goes back into the forest and through the mist. She encounters the zombies again.]
Hey, you killed that one!
[My mom continues to hack away.]
You got that one too. You have their souls now.
Oh.
Oh, look out behind you. He’s going to knock you off the ledge. Turn around.
[My mom kills the zombie but keeps swinging her sword anyway. Eventually, the momentum of her attacks send her over the edge.]
You were too enthusiastic.
Well, how do I know when he’s dead?
His life is empty.
Oh.
Above: My mom saw the bonfire every time after she died.
Do you want to play some more?
No. Do I have to?
No, you’re done I think. What did you think of Dark Souls II, mom.
Well, if you know how to use a controller, then I guess it’s alright. I still like Mario.
What did you like about it best?
That I could kill people with my sword and shield.
What did you like about it the least?
It takes too long for the game to start.
If you have to give the game a score out of 100, what would you give it?
76.
That’s not bad. Thanks, mom!
You’re welcome.