My mom reviews The Evil Within

My mom does not play video games. She also doesn’t like horror. In fact, I’m pretty sure her favorite movies are The Sound of Music and White Christmas. So, who better to review The Evil Within, the creepy new survival-horror game out now for PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and PC?

My mom has actually reviewed games before, and the results are pretty hilarious. Thankfully, a game filled with blood and decapitations gave us plenty of interesting moments.

You’ll find the edited transcript of our play session below. My words are in black, while my mom’s are in red. Note that we played it on the Xbox One.

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We’re going to play a game called The Evil Within.

Uh-oh. Same buttons [I assume she’s referring to Dark Souls II, which she played on the PlayStation 3. Close enough.].

Yeah. What do you think of the picture of the guy covered in barbed wire?

I thought it was a girl.

[A logo appears, which slowly gets covered in blood.]

What is happening, Mom?

Blood, all over the place. This is not a Disney.

No. [I start reading a disclaimer] “A small percentage of people may experience seizures when exposed to certain lights, patterns, or images. …”

Oh, gosh. That’s going to be me. I can’t. …

“People with a history of epilepsy or seizures.” You’re fine.

I don’t like strobe lights or anything.

It’ll be all right.

I’ll just close my eyes.

Yeah. If it becomes too intense for you, close your eyes.

[The game suddenly crashes and we’re back on the Xbox One home screen.]

What did you do?

It said press any button.

What button did you push?

A.

Push A again. It went to the home screen.

[The image of the guy in barbed wire shows up again.]

That’s a girl. It has —

It’s not a girl.

She has curly eyelashes.

It’s starting up again. You get to see the blood logo again. I don’t know what happened.

It said press any button.

I believe you. I think the game just crashed. Not off to a good start.

[We get the game started. My mom reads the tips during the loading screens.]

“… And then they won’t notice if you come up behind them.”

It gives you a tip.

“Stay far enough away from enemies.” Duh. Why can’t I just leave? [The opening cutscene begins to play.] It’s like a movie. Of course it’s raining. Where’s the thunder and lightning?

[The game goes through lots of introductory cop talk. The controller begins to vibrate.]

How come this is vibrating?

It’s to go with the movie.

[We watch more of the intro.]

Have you ever heard of Resident Evil?

No.

What do you think of the graphics?

Eh.

All right. I think you’re moving now. No, no, the other one. You’re the guy in the trench coat. That moves the camera. The left one moves you.

[We enter a rainy crime scene in front of a large building. Empty cars fill the area.]

Is this a party or something?

What do you mean, “Is it a party?”

I mean where all these police are at.

Why would you think it’s a party?

I don’t know. It looks like they’re at a house.

I think it’s a crime scene.

Where’s everybody at?

They were looking at a car.

Oh, it’s a hospital. It’s a mental hospital.

Hey, you found the security cameras.

Yeah. I’m not stupid.

[The security video shows other cops shooting at something off camera.]

There’s the other cops.

[The cops then get quickly murdered.]

Agh! Oh, no! Ughhhhhhhhh.

Mom, what just happened in the video?

Ahhh! [Lots of nervous laughter] Ohhh. Oh, no! Blood.

Oh! Oh, god. This is gross.

I know! It’s not real.

I know, but … he’s got a knife sticking out of his him. [My Mom is now hanging upside down, surrounded by hanging corpses. As she observed, one has a knife sticking out of his chest.]

I told you it was a scary game. It’s called The Evil Within. [Looking at the guy with the knife stuck in him.] He doesn’t seem too bothered by it.

He’s dead, that’s why.

No, he’s moving a little. That knife probably missed his internal organs. Here, you have to swing yourself. Use the left stick. Something will fall loose. There you go. Up and down. Up … down. When you get to the apex. Imagine you were actually hitting up and down. There you go, keep swinging. You can grab that knife from him and cut yourself loose. Keep swinging toward that knife.

Ugh. …

Come on, your life’s at stake! You have to get that knife. Use the left stick, Mom. You’re using the right stick. There you go. Back, up, back. Oh!

I’m bad at this.

Keep going, keep going. Got it. [My mom cuts herself loose.]

Ugh. Is that the detective?

Yeah, that’s you. He doesn’t have his gun, so be careful. Go up to that guy and stab him.

I don’t have a knife.

You just had it. Move the camera. You can’t see anything. Alright. Wait — stop, stop. Now, it told you how to sneak. This button, the right bumper, hold it down while you move and you’ll sneak. There you go. Now they can’t hear you. Put the camera up. You can’t see anything.

Don’t yell at me.

I’m not yelling at you. I just don’t want you to die.

Where am I sneaking to?

Up behind that guy. Get the keys. Go back. A, A, A. Oh, gosh. He heard you.

[The guy cuts my Mom’s head off with a meat clever.]

Aaah! Ugh. Decapitated.

This time, when you sneak, get the keys on your way and then sneak up behind.

I have to do this all over again?

Well, you don’t have to swing again, I bet. There, see? Just go sneak. You’re sighing a lot.

This is stupid.

You can move the bodies when you walk over them. Hold down the right bumper. Now walk over to him. Go right behind him. Go get those keys. Hold down the right bumper and walk to the keys. Look down. Look at them. Now push — yeah. You have to look at them. Move your character. Push A. All right. Now push A and go back to sneak mode and get out of here, quickly. He’s coming back. Uh-oh. Just hide.

How do I hide?

I don’t know. You’re supposed to be faster. He’s back. He’s going to see you. He’s going to decapitate you again. You need to do it faster so you get the keys and get out of there before he comes back.

Oh, I can’t! [My Mom shuts her eyes.]

You don’t have to look at the decapitation.

Oh, god.

It doesn’t do much good when they already cut off your head. Just wait for him when he goes in the back. Grab the keys and come back out. You have to be sneaking the whole time or he’ll hear you. Wait for him to finish his butchering. OK, start moving. Push A. You have to look at them. You have to be facing them. Push A. Yeah. Get out of there. Hold down the right bumper and leave.

I am!

[My Mom is stuck on a screen describing the keys.]

You have to push A first, because you have to read this thing. Backward. The other way, from where you came. Move the camera if you have to. You’re too slow. Get out!

I’m stuck!

He saw you.

How do you know?

Because I heard him!

Gad-dammit.

As soon as you get the keys, go back. You were touching the wall the entire time.

Ugh.

[This goes on for a while.]

How many chances do I get?

You get unlimited chances. Most games don’t have lives anymore. You’re too close! [She gets decapitated again.]

[My Mom laughs.] I think I used up my nine lives.

Well, it’s a good thing a psychopath hasn’t actually kidnapped you, because I don’t think you’d be getting out.

If I had an idea where I was going I would.

You need to get close, but not too close, and hold down that button. You’re sneaking now. He can’t hear you. Wait in the doorway for him to go in the back. Isn’t the lighting nice?

Oh, yeah.

All right. Move. There. Push A. Push A again.

I did.

Now turn the camera. Left. You want to move it up. There. There’s the door. Go, go. You’re not holding down the sneak button. There you go. OK. Now we need to find where the key goes. Just keep looking around the room. There’s a door to the right. Keep going. No, that’s not a door. What’s that one? Turn the camera and look around the room. Every time I say “turn the camera,” you always move it up or down. You’re looking up at the ceiling.

[My Mom sighs heavily.]

Why don’t you go left? Left. Like over there, with the sneak button. Sneak, sneak. Keep going. There’s the door.

Where?

Right over there, the other side of the room. What did you do?

I don’t know.

There it is. Go left. The creepy door. Get out of sneak. It’s a door.

Right there?

Yeah. Let go of the sneak button. Push A. There you go. There. You used the key to get out. All right. Go up the creepy stairs. If I was you, I’d put the camera up so you can see where you’re going, so you don’t run into any more psychopaths.

What?

Well, look at the camera. You can’t see where you’re going. There you go. You gotta work on your camera movement skills.

There’s something behind that wall.

Turn the camera that way so you can see where you’re going. Keep going. There you go. See, you’re on the next hallway. Careful. There’s that other guy. I would keep sneaking. He can probably hear you.

[An alarm goes off.]

That wasn’t your fault. That was supposed to happen.

Shit.

Did you just say the S-word, mom? [My Mom does not swear often.] Just keep running. He’s got a chainsaw. Don’t sneak now. Keep going.

I am going.

Keep running.

Ugh!

He just nipped you with the chain saw.

What do I do?

I don’t know. It could be worse. [My Mom is now stuck in a room with rotating blades on the sides.] Oh, run, run, run.

I am!

Don’t run into the blades. Keep going! Oh no!

[My Mom is cracking up.]

There. You got this.

Are we done yet?

No, you’re not done yet. I want to see you escape.

I’m not gonna escape!

Well, I’m going to see you get back to the swirling blade room of death. You just have to run straighter when you get there.

Where are those other two people there? [She’s talking about the other detectives from the opening movie.]

I don’t know. OK, run now. Straight, very straight. You immediately walked into them! Look. Straight is right up, perfectly up.

I know. My thumb was hurting me.

You’ve been playing like 10 minutes and your thumb’s hurting you? Some people play games for like four hours at a time.

Well, they’re stupid.

That’s what I do! What do you think my job is? OK, straight ahead. You want to go through that little hatch there. Push A. A, A, A. There you go. You’re safe! See? Oh, you’re sliding. Left, left, left. Avoid that gate. Right, right, right. You did it! You made it out on the first try. Now you’re in a pool of blood.

Ew, yuck. My God. I guess I have to climb up that ladder.

Keep going up.

I need some light.

Move your camera, mom. You’re walking into a corner.

I thought it was round.

It is round, but you’re stuck on something. Don’t go that way. It’s pitch black. Move your camera left and down, so you’re not staring at the floor.

I’m pushing it down.

No, move the camera up so that it goes — there you go. Now left. Left. Move the camera left. You can’t see where you’re going. There you go. See, that pipe was in your way. Go through that exit.

Why can’t I just stay right there?

They’ll find you.

How many of them are there?

I don’t know. There’s at least the one guy with the chain saw and that other guy who’s stabbing people.

Ugh. Where am I?

You’re right there. Just go left. There you go. You’re in the shadow. There, there’s the door.

Where?

It’s right there, that thing. Go in front of it and push A. Yeah. Mom, move the camera toward where you’re moving. Don’t you want to see what you’re walking into?

It’s only just going to come in and grab me.

Don’t you want to see it before it grabs you?

Not really.

Okay, turn the camera around. All the way around. All right, now go down that way.

Go toward the light…

[We hear a scary noise.]

What do you think that was?

Ugh. I’m going to have nightmares.

You’ll be fine.

I’ll be calling you at two in the morning.

It’s fine. You’ll be fine. Go — where are you?

I don’t know.

I don’t know where you are either.

Oh, gosh. Now, is that an elevator?

Is that it? Yeah. Push A.  Now go inside the elevator. [It’s actually a door to another hallway,] That’s a funny-looking elevator. Well, keep going. That’s a lot of hallways, huh?

Well, yeah, because it’s a psych ward.

OK, push A.

It doesn’t tell me to.

Try it anyway. There you go. You used to be a nurse, right?

Yes. Still am. That never leaves.

There you go. There’s a door. You got through that whole part without dying. Nothing’s tried to kill you in a while.

Don’t speak too soon.

There’s a door. Push forward. [The chain saw guy appears in the room we were just in. We can see him through a window.] He’s looking for you. Get out of there, because he’s probably coming your way. Mom, you’re just running into a wall.

I know! Ah, it’s dripping blood. There’s the chain saw guy.

[Said chain saw guy kills my mom.]

Well, have you had enough?

Yeah, I’ve had enough.

Right. How did you die just now?

I’m a bloody mess. It’s a chain saw through the middle of my body. I think I’m dead.

All right, Mom, so what do you think about The Evil Within?

It’s gross. I think I did pretty good.

Yeah, you didn’t do too bad. You escaped for a bit. Look, that’s the guy that’s in the picture. He wasn’t a girl.

He wasn’t?

The person in the barbed wire is the guy you were. It wasn’t a girl.

Oh, I see, it’s the detective.

What did you like about it?

The buttons are easy to use.

Yeah, it told you when you had to push A, right?

It was — [Laughs] The controls are easier to maneuver once I got used to them.

It was easier than Dark Souls II, moving around?

Yes. And, um — yeah, it was OK.

What did you not like about it?

The evil guy cutting up people. And the people hanging.

Yeah, all the bodies?

It looked like — what was that one movie?

Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Saw?

No, I never saw any of those.

Halloween?

No, Alien. Where they’re hanging upside down. But they weren’t bleeding.

Yeah, OK. So what would you give the game out of 100?

76?

That’s good. It’s a good game for Halloween, right?

Right.