Above: I honestly believed that Battletoads’ infamous vehicle level was impossible until I saw some wizard complete it on YouTube.
James Swiney
The game: Hectic Space (iOS, Android)
Hectic Space is simultaneously hardcore and accommodating. It’s a side-scrolling space shooter with unending waves of enemies, ridiculous power-ups, and no pause button.
No, really. You just have to keep playing it until you lose. But losing doesn’t typically take too long, so it’s not really a big deal.
The shame
James Swiney, developer:
Above: Y’know, just fighting a Chimera and what looks like an evil Man-Ant. Like ya do.
I remember playing Rastan on arcade with my brother when we were young. It was super-difficult, and we never got very far. But we kept playing due to Rastan’s atmosphere, awesome music, and great graphics.
Progress was all about timing, dodging falling rocks, dodging and killing multitudes of enemies, and swinging across fire on ropes. On my best attempts, I made it to the first boss, but I never got past him. The first time my brother killed the first boss, we were ridiculously excited — only for my brother to die soon after. Even with all its difficulty and frustrations, I still favor Rastan as one of the greatest arcade games I’ve ever played.
Pixeljam
The game: Glorkian Warrior: The Trials of Glork
Here’s another game about mowing down an infinity of enemies, only this time, you’re doing it from the ground, Space Invaders-style. Glorkian Warrior is about the eponymous hero and his sentient and well-armed backpack fighting to defend the universe from incredibly well-coordinated alien ships.
It’s funny, difficult, and it looks like a Saturday morning cartoon (when those were still a thing). What’s not to like?
The shame
Rich Grillotti, creative director:
Blaster Master for the NES was pretty great. I’ve heard of people beating it, but I never was able to. I’d spend hours (and hours) making my way through the game. If I did well enough, I’d ultimately reach the final boss, and it would kill me dead. It felt like cheap death, too, seemingly unavoidable hits and dying. No continues, no saves or codes. It was usually a fun experience at least, for the most part. The increasingly awesome vehicle upgrades made it seem worthwhile, and I also loved being the little fragile defenseless player when out of the vehicle in the platforming mode.
Above: I’ve always confused the name of this game with Master Blaster, the giant/dwarf tag team from the third “Mad Max” film.
I wasn’t, however, much of a fan of the interior overhead-view areas. They were’t very much fun to me and would steal precious lives away. I also didn’t think they looked that great compared to the rest of the game. Unfortunately, they were necessary, and it was in these areas that bosses appeared, including the final boss (I’m pretty sure that was the final boss, anyway). It was in these areas that I would usually die. After my last attempt 25 or so years ago, I never plugged it in again. While I was tempted, I knew what sort of long haul I was in for and the inevitable disappointment I would most likely face. Thankfully, these days I can likely find a complete playthrough video to see how it ended.
Ikari Warriors (or was it Ikari Warriors 2?) for NES also comes to mind in a similar way: great but excessively long, difficult, and ultimately futile.
Cocky Culture
The game: Monkey Boots
Monkey Boots is an endless runner in which you try to keep a tiny primate alive as long as possible before a stampede of variably sized elephants catches up and tramples him to death. Our simian hero can stomp on his pursuers, Mario-style, to kill them, and the bigger the pachyderm, the more points you earn. But he’s going to die no matter what.
The shame
Tony Dimovski, developer:
Without question, the most frustrating game I played growing up was the NES port of Solomon’s Key. If anything came close to ruining my entire childhood, this was it.
I don’t know what I did to Tecmo to deserve having this endless fury of magical frustration unleashed on me, but it must have been something bad. It seemed simple enough: Break some blocks, make some blocks, find a key, and move on. Sure the first room was a breeze, but I don’t know if this game had 50 rooms or 5,000 because I couldn’t even enter double digits.
Above: I’ve played this game, and I still have no idea what’s going on here.
It’s not just the level designs that made it so tough, but there was no learning curve since the game seemed to ramp up from “easy mode” to “punch yourself in the face with a hand full of thumb tacks” by the third level.
And then there’s the strange blend of enemies. The spinning, bluish-colored devil heads were the bane of my existence. There is nothing that tied the enemies together outside of their lunacy. I picture Mr. Tecmo sitting around a table going, “Let’s add some dragons, some ghost things, a laser ball that rolls around stuff, and how about a spinning severed devil head. And let’s make them all blue.”
I wasted so much of the late ’80s on this game, but on the bright side it did have fairies and a hero wearing all green, so if you squinted, you could pretend you were playing The Legend of Zelda.
Substantial
The game: Dungeon Highway (iOS, Android)
This game is kinda nuts. It’s a behind-the-back endless runner about a wizard sprinting through a variety of realms while trying to avoid obstacles and enemies. The levels are randomly generated, the action is frantic, and the death is immediate. And also, the art is so incredibly pixelated that it’s sometimes hard to see what everything is.
It’s a healthy slice of the Good Old Days.
The shame
Mike Judge, developer:
Above: And if you were really good, your Ikari Warrior would hop into a tank that was smaller than a fully grown man.
My personal nemesis was Ikari Warriors for the NES. It was a sort of caveman ancestor of the bullet-hell shooter featuring a slow-moving character with a bandana, a couple wimpy grenades, and a fondness for getting shot by flickering diagonal bullets. Even with the infinite lives cheat, I couldn’t beat it.
Damn that game and its muddy graphics.
Which old games made you throw your controllers? Let us know in the comments, and be sure to check out part two.