Yesterday, we ran down some of the old games that made retro developers want to smash things and hang up their controllers altogether. Well, the past is a big place full of difficult, vague, or just completely cheap games, so one article wasn’t enough to hold all the pain.
So here are some more developers to get their frustrations out in the open for your enjoyment. Because that is when the healing begins.
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The game: Loot Hero (PC, Android, iOS)
Loot Hero is a game about running back and forth and mowing down enemies in order to gain experience and buy bigger weapons so that you can run back and forth even faster and mow down bigger and more powerful enemies. And then eventually, you run all of the way to the end and bounce your lance off of a dragon until it, too, dies, and then you win.
And then you play through all the same levels again with your improved stats. It’s not as boring as it sounds.
The shame
Jasmine Jones, public relations:
Above: I can still remember how much fun I thought I had with other games that looked just like this. I probably didn’t, though.
I have tried out a few retro-styled game apps and a couple that frustrated me were Brave Frontier and Stardash (both are kind of action role-playing games with story-driven gameplay). Brave Frontier is [the] kind of combat gameplay with an amusing story, but [it’s] nothing that will challenge the strategic portions of most players’ brains.
Stardash is old-school arcade fun; it even has graphics like Nintendo’s original Game Boy handheld system. But this nostalgia turns bad quickly, and a single mistake means starting the level over. Even worse, the game also does not support orientation flipping at all. I can’t really recommend it to people who get frustrated easily.
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Tough Guy Studios
The game: Time Ducks (Android, iOS)
Time Ducks is about a bunch of animals trying to get across a road without falling under the life-crushing wheels of traffic. They have a little help in the form of their inexplicable ability to manipulate time, which is especially cool once you see that the game renders the temporal jiggery to look like it’s rewinding like a VHS tape.
It’s more or less a game for people who remember what “Tracking” was and how it could ruin their day and also thought Frogger could have used some help other than the player’s own unreliable reflexes.
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The shame
Morten Sommer, CEO:
I played a lot of games back in the days — mostly on the Commodore 64 and then Amiga 500. Some console games, and sometimes arcade games. I have a lot of fond memories, but to me games were simply supposed to be hard back then and repeatedly dying and failing did not give me much grief.
I do have memories of punching myself in the face or throwing the joystick into the wall from time to time, but no particular game comes to mind that did this for me repeatedly. The way I played games was that I had no expectations per se to complete any game, simply because games were so hard that it was not the norm to complete them. That I did complete a lot of games was part persistence, part having a lot of spare time being a kid, and mainly the fact that I would jump back and forth between several games.
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Above: Saaaaaaaaai …
The big difference in difficulty between back then and now, for me, was the fact that games were made to be completed in one sitting. There were no save games, and the countless hours you put into a game were mainly spent on repetition until you had the game perfected. In the end it did not take more than 30 minutes perhaps to complete a full game. That’s very different from now and I kind of prefer the old ways.
Take a modern masterpiece such as Dark Souls. Difficulty-wise it bears a lot of resemblance to the old games, but there is still much more time to reflect, to enjoy the scenery, and to play a very large amount of areas with different themes and monsters but largely the same gameplay. What happens then, for me, is that I get a sense of doing “the grind,” even though I enjoy the game a lot.
Above: I want to swear just looking at this.
That’s not at all how it felt when I was playing Ghosts ‘n Goblins (C64) or Gods (Amiga 500). Maybe it’s because I was younger, but in those games, every second mattered, every move counted, and I had little idea about (and paid little attention to) how close to the end I was. When I completed Ghosts ‘n Goblins by killing the final boss, I did not know that it was the endgame. All I knew was that my character was moving toward a pixelated female character. On screen the text said, “Congratulations — You have saved the princess,” and I was like “Oh, so that was my task,” but it made perfect sense and was a perfect conclusion.
I would say that games that would case me grief would do so because I thought they were very badly implemented or highly unfair, and then I would stop playing them instead of getting too worked up about it. All the great, fantastic games did not bother me even if I died every 30 seconds, because that was all part of the enjoyment.
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Epiphany Games
The game: Majestic Nights (PC, Mac, Android, iOS)
http://youtu.be/z9urDPA7thc?list=UU9L4jMNnx4SA9z8hODaMn7A
Majestic Nights is due out next month. It’s an episodic role-playing game that takes place in a crazy, alternate version of the ’80s. And it has all the big hair, isometric gameplay, and neon that suggests. Players will investigate conspiracies, fight Nazi aliens, and why are you still reading this instead of pre-ordering?
The shame
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Samuel Jensen, creative director:
Above: Shockingly, the middle-aged, heavyset man was not terribly light on his feet.
I played a game a million years ago in a local corner shop called Karnov. It was a pretty standard platformer, sort of like Ghosts ‘n Goblins (which is another story, how hard that game was) but was even harder somehow.
You could only take one hit, and the levels were packed with fast, oddly moving bad guys who also tended to spam out heaps of hard-to-avoid projectiles. Karnov, the titular hero, was really bulky and not super maneuverable — his jumping ability was pretty crap, for one, so avoiding everything was nearly impossible.
I kinda prided myself on my arcade-gaming skills (I finished Shinobi in one life, for example — still a high-water mark), but I never got past the first freaking level of Karnov. Just stupidly hard. Thing is, it had some cool power-ups that seemed like they’d really be a lot of fun if you could get them, but no. In hindsight, I think they only ever made the one level.
Jesus, that game was hard.
Spotco
The game: Speedy Pups (iOS, Android)
Speedy Pups is an upcoming mobile title that’s about seven adorable doggies doing their best Sonic the Hedgehog impression as they endlessly run, jump, and spin their way through six themed levels. And instead of rings, they grab bones because puppies have no need for bling.
The shame
Shiny Yang, programmer:
Above: What? Seems doable.
I was never able to beat the final boss of Final Fantasy III on the DS. In retrospect, it was probably some of the cruelest design I’ve ever seen: a two-hour slog through a really long dungeon with no save points, a fight against all four subbosses from earlier in the game, and then a final encounter that’s exponentially harder than anything you’ve ever seen before.
I gave it a good half-dozen or so tries (and I even switched my party to all ninjas/sages spamming shurikens). That’s 10 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Damn you, Cloud of Darkness.
Above: It’s as cute as the comments were terrifying.
Other Ocean
The game: #IDARB — It Draws a Red Box (Xbox One, PC)
Developer Mike Mika is the guy who hacked Donkey Kong last year so that his daughter could play as Pauline and save Mario. His new project (with his company, Other Ocean), is the upcoming #IDARB, a game that started as a social-media prompt and eventually became something like a multiplayer online sports title with ridiculous power-ups and viewer interaction via Twitch and Twitter.
It’ll bring its special brand of joy to the world this fall.
The shame
Mike Mika, head of development:
Above: You’re in there somewhere, promise.
Robotron 2084, hands down, is the game that has shamed and humiliated me the most since I was a kid. And like some masochist, I keep going back to it. It is a masterwork of risk and reward. The sheer joy in the independent control of gunfire and movement is matched by a difficulty curve that hits you early and hard.
The beauty of the game is in the variety and volume of the enemies. In a sick way, it is a tortuous game of chess. Every enemy type has a unique pattern and semiotic design, but they can combine to spawn an entirely different kind of heuristic. The visuals are also stunningly minimalist yet bombastic. Moments where the screen is filled with geysers of pixels that momentarily cause you to lose track of your character are some of the finest gaming has to offer.
I still play Robotron regularly. I own an original arcade cabinet. To me, it is like a giant handbook for game design. A “how-to” guide for A.I. design, control, and difficulty ramping. It’s pure genius and devastatingly difficult.
Puuba Games
The game: Concursion (PC, Mac)
Concursion is a tough game to describe, but since I’m a writer, and that’s my job, I’ll give it a shot: It is every 8-bit game in one.
The concept is the standard “save the universe by collecting shards of a magical crystal/gem/jewel thing,” the reason being that the sundering of the Forever McGuffin has caused rifts to open in the universe. And what this means that you’ll be running along playing a platformer, and then you’ll jump into a hole in reality which causes you to instantly switch to playing a shoot-’em-up or a Pac-Man clone.
It’s kinda difficult to wrap your mind around, but it’s really cool in action.
The shame
Danny Garfield, president:
Back in the day, the one game that destroyed me more than any other would have to be Mortal Kombat. Stupid Goro, with his stupid extra arms, and his awesome hairdo, and his exclusive tickle parties .…
While I definitely almost tore more than one controller in half (twisting is key, not throwing), my own body was definitely the first victim. For some reason, at the age of 8 or so, I thought it was a really good idea to just punch myself in the thigh whenever I died to Goro. Which was a lot. Like, it’s incredible that I can still get around. That being said, Goro can not. I eventually destroyed him with the power of the Repeated Jumping Punch™.
Above: Yeah, that’ll happen. He has ALL the arms.
Beyond that, Mega Man is most definitely still my secret Jam. Guts Man, in particular, I found to be a monster. So many platforms, so much memorization. I feel like the level should have just been called “Pit Fall” rather than “Guts Man.”
Now, of course, I can jam through that level easily, even in the confines of my mind. That level is seared into my memory. And I absolutely crave more Mega Man, in any way shape or form. But the first time, I have to say, I hated Capcom and all it stood for.
David Bricken, level designer
I grew up with video games. I remember my childhood, in part, based on which games I was playing at the time. As I grew up, so did the industry, and there were some growing pains on both sides. Let’s call them “difficulty spikes.” I was mostly a peaceful child, but on several occasions, when I recall losing my temper as a kid, it was related to games I loved at the time, but which totally “cheated.” The original Ninja Gaiden comes to mind.
Above: Push Start to begin failing.
After literally weeks of trying, I finally got good enough to get to the end and spent an entire day trying to beat the boss (“the Jaquio,” whatever that means). Exasperated, I angrily pulled the game out of my NES, positioned it on the floor, climbed up on my desk, and delivered a masterful flying elbow drop to the cartridge. Afterward, though I was sore, the game still worked, so I put it back in the console and finally beat it.
This was the first time I can recall taking an objective look at my own rage and questioning whether anyone else felt that way after playing a game, but it wouldn’t be the last. I yelled at Star Fox a lot. I punched my TV a couple of times playing Street Fighter II. I thought I was all grown up, though, until about a month ago when I finally got around to trying Dark Souls, which caused me to dropkick my Xbox 360 controller. Maybe most games have just gotten easier, and I haven’t grown up after all — Dark Souls made me feel like a kid again.
Fermenter Games
The game: David (PC, Mac, iOS)
David is what would happen if Team Ico’s much-beloved Shadow of the Colossus came out in the ’80s and was also viciously difficult and unforgiving. You play as a square who has to defeat nine giant bosses, and you’re armed with nothing but an abstraction of a slingshot. It’s great. By which I mean I couldn’t beat it and then kinda gave up.
The shame
Andrew Armstrong, developer:
I’m only 22, so if it hadn’t been for my dad installing MAME on my computer at an early age to school me at Galaga and Joust, I wouldn’t have heard of many of the games I love. I’m super-glad he introduced me to these gems from the past, because they’ve been really influential both aesthetically and design-wise. In many older games, the ratio of simplicity/depth is phenomenal, and that’s something I strive for in my designs: elegance, yo!
Above: I never knew who was going to eat those burgers after I was done making them, but I was fully aware that whoever it was would be waiting for a while.
Anyway, one title that sticks out to me is BurgerTime, a game about a 2-inch tall chef. Really, it was a kind of cross between Donkey Kong and Pac-Man in which you have to build burgers by walking over the ingredients as you’re chased by eggs and sausages (both of which sound like great toppings on a burger, in my opinion). As a young one, I was just completely overwhelmed by everything I had to keep track of, and I had a really tough time choosing the most efficient path. Those dumb sausages would always trap me in a corner, and because of that I harbored a general sausage hatred throughout my childhood.
Dang sausages.
If you have any games that completely destroyed you, let us know in the comments. And check out part one if you missed it.