The Imperials really didn't make a great first impression when they attempted to sever my head.
I mean, when you're willing to ax the quiet guy in the back of the wagon for sitting near someone you don't like, I stop and question your life choices.
Apparently they thought it necessary to line us up, pull a "Queen of Hearts," and lop off our thinking parts. So, yeah…the Imperial regime didn't come out of that one looking quite so cool.
After my initial incident, I had a brief encounter with a dragon, and I ended up chilling with a guy who was partial to the Imperial dominion. He suggested that I join up with the Imperials because they could use a good Nord like me.
He passed off their previous transgression (meaning my "unintentional" botched execution) as a mere oversight. His proposal triggered within me an anger of epic proportions. I was blown away by the audacity of this man and his empire.
The fact that the dialogue tree didn't include a “No [expletive deleted] way, dude” option made me upset. And when I say "upset," I don't mean it in a mildly disconcerting, you've-called-the-wrong-number manner. I was seriously rattled. Enraged.
It was like a telemarketer had called me during dinner, and when I answered the phone, I spilled my entire dish of oxtail tortellini into my lap.
I was infuriated to such a degree that I went to find a thesaurus to look up more words to describe my rage.
(In case you can't tell: When I play games like Skyrim, I get into them. You've heard of actors "becoming" the role that they have to portray for a film? I do that, but with games. Really. I'm a full-on method gamer.)
Anyway, I really had high hopes that the next faction I encountered would not make an attempt on my life.
The Stormcloaks were a different crowd…but sometimes society has outcasts for a reason. Namely, because they're just as insane as the other guys.
On the other hand, sanity isn't always a prerequisite when it comes to hanging out with me. No, it was the racism that got to me. And they're following a leader who clearly has unresolved issues with his father.
Not cool, Stormcloaks. Not cool.
For these reasons — and the fact that I didn't fit the dress code — I couldn't justify joining their ranks.
The Companions seemed to be the most compatible cabal for me. They shared similar values, but they were always trying to get me to join a “blood-pact” or commit myself with a “blood-oath.” Frankly, the entire time I was around them I was just concerned that I was going to wind up with HIV.
Later on, I found a bunch of grey-bearded older men on a mountain yelling at each other. And I'm not trying to sound too cool for school here, but that just wasn't my scene.
As for the Dark Brotherhood…well, some of those characters seemed just downright untrustworthy.
So here's my position regarding the civil war in Skyrim, the political upheaval, the bad parenting, and the chaos currently engulfing the land…
Who cares?
I'm quite content to wander aimlessly, roaming and pillaging at my leisure. I don't need a faction to make myself feel like I belong. I like me for me, and in the end, are we really looking for much more?
In closing: Go to hell, Tamriel.
Love, Gord.