Ever since Flappy Bird creator Dong Nguyen pulled his hit game Flappy Bird from both the Apple and Android app stores, both marketplaces have received a ridiculous number of clones from developers trying to fill the void, like Flappy Crow up there.
So many knockoffs have appeared, in fact, that it seems a shame not to do anything with them. So I pulled a bunch and decided to give them awards for originality (or not). Enough are still coming out that I could do this every week, but don’t worry; I won’t.
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Winner — A Bird’s Life
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And if they’re charging $4 in the App Store, at least the developers put some work in.
Runner-up — Lonely Ghost
But Lonely Ghost is cute; you really feel for the little guy as you get him killed (again?) over and over. His enemies: rectangles and lava.
Because ghosts.
Least effort
Winner — Flappy Bees
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Not only did the developer of Flappy Bees not do much with the title, but it also kept the same pipes straight out of Super Mario World. But it made them yellow pipes instead of green, which would be fine except for the fact that Super Mario World also has yellow pipes.
Add in the fact that the grass and background look even more ripped out of Mario than Flappy Bird’s graphics, and Flappy Bees is an even bigger rip-off than the game it’s ripping off.
Runner-up — Tap Tap Flap: Red Bird
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Look at Lonely Ghost up there. He’s a ghost! He’s vulnerable to lava, and he’s sad. He inspires pathos. Tap Tap Flap Bird, you don’t even have a name. You’re just Not Flappy Bird.
I don’t even like Flappy Bird, and this offends me.
Best bird analog
Winner — Flappy Dragon Fish
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I like Flappy Dragon Fish. He has enough moxie to make up for his unsettling lack of arms.
Runner-up — Flappy Cat: Pirate
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I suppose the people who made Flappy Cat: Pirate know the value of giving the people what they want, and it’s possible that the only thing more appealing to the Internet than a cat is a cat who is also, somehow, a pirate. It was either that or a Flappy Cat: Zombie Ninja, and that might have broken the App Store.
Worst bird analog
Winner — Flutter Bug
I can understand Flappy Bird on some level: If a bird hits a pipe going full speed, it’s in trouble. But I see ladybugs sitting on flowers all the time, and they’re alive and everything.
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Wait a minute … you guys. I think video games lie to us.
Runner-up — Flappy Blowfish
Flappy Blowfish, however, can’t do that. All he can do is swim and die. So why is he even a blowfish? He could have been Flappy Manatee for all the bearing it has on the game.
By the way: Flappy Manatee? Still available.
Best pipe analog
Winner — Flappy Devil
Flappy Devil fixes two of those problems by taking place in a cave and having players avoid stalactites and stalagmites. I still don’t know why he doesn’t go around the stupid things, but at least I understand why they’re there.
Runner-up — Flappy Nerd
But maybe we shouldn’t spend too much time unspooling the lore of Flappy Nerd. That could take all day.
Worst pipe analog
Winner — Saudade
That’s why it’s disappointing that the obstacles you’re sending him through are so boring. They’re rectangles. And I’m not an oceanographer, but I’m hard-pressed to name any place on Earth in which these formations exist. Throw in some rocks or something, please. You spent all that time on the fish. Look at him in that screenshot; he doesn’t even understand what that thing is.
Runner-up — Floaty Fish
Do you see that mine over there floating up from the bottom of the ocean? About 10 feet away is an identical mine extending down from the surface. Who placed these things, and why? And how? And what would have happened to them if they’d accidentally put a floaty mine where they wanted a sinky one? They’d all be dead, is what. Mark your mines, kids.
Even Floaty Fish is calling bullshit.
Best App Store description
Winner — Flappy Pants
- Among the features: “Simple controls! Pants! Sweet Animations!”
- “Can you get the high score — Who wears the pants?”
- “Flappy Flappy Flappy till you are Happy Happy Happy!”
OK — I know this is dumb. But it’s a game about pants, damn it. Paaaaaaaaants.
Runner-up — Die 2 Fly: Penguin Adventure HD
The developer is aware of all this, though. “Penguins can’t fly,” the description says. “This one thinks he can; can you survive the icy pole hazards?”
That line has two things going for it: an acknowledgement that the game is, in fact, wildly scientifically inaccurate and the phrase “icy pole hazards,” which in this case means “pipes identical to the ones in Flappy Bird except these ones are blue, but sssshhhhh.”
Best title
Winner — Aqua Bird: Super Pipe Saga
If this game were a cartoon, I would watch the hell out of it.
Runner-up — Owl Fly 2014
Owl Fly 2014 doesn’t offer much else in the way of creativity or not being like Flappy Bird, but I like to imagine an annual Owl Fly event, like when people dress up dachshunds like hot dogs and make them race.
Only more dignified and with way more talons.
Most confusing
Winner — Splashy Eagle Flyer
You play as an eagle. I get that part. But I don’t know where “splashy” comes from, nor do I understand why the eagle in question is flying around inside someone’s house. And are the bookshelves the obstacles, or do the pets count, too? How big does this house have to be to give an eagle enough room to fly forever?
And how freaking big must that mouse be to have made a hole taller than the cat?
Runner-up — Cheeky Monkeys
In the end, the eagle won, but that doesn’t mean this title makes any more sense. Look at the size of those coconuts. Behold the monkey’s too-red behind. Marvel at how this character is moving at all.
All these mysteries and more can be yours in Cheeky Monkeys.