I'm sure Saints Row: The Third's city of Steelport has its fair share of quaint properties. Minus the prostitutes. And the zombies. And the roving bands of space troopers. And — you know what? Just move somewhere else.
Video Blips:
• Saints Row: The Third answers Grand Theft Auto 5's debut with pimps, gimps, and Burt "Charlie B. Barkin" Reynolds himself. I don't think developer Volition could concoct sweeter icing for such a nonsensical game that includes dildo bats and flaming animal costumes.
Continue after the break for Call of Duty Elite's gradual usurpation of your social life, an escape from a gloomy, rain-spattered Chicago library in Hitman: Absolution, and Devil May Cry's demonic integration into society.
• Call of Duty Elite's social networking tools allows you to breathe, sleep, and eat Call of Duty. I imagine it tastes like a mixture of gunpowder, the color brown, and the forehead sweat of 12-year-old boys.
• As a stealth-game fan, I'm dizzied by Agent 47's improvisation and intuition in Hitman: Absolution. He also reminds us of an important fact of life: When entering a room teeming with cops, always go for the donuts first.
• Dante seems just fine with spastic buildings and chainsaw-wielding skeletons in Devil May Cry. Of course, someone who says "you don't fuck with a god" has precisely the right amount of humility to deal with just about anything.