Editor's note: What constitutes a media fiasco and what doesn't? Travis critiques Yakuza 3's somewhat shocking premise with his usual brand of refreshing levity. -James
In the Yakuza series, you play as Kazuma Kiryu, an accomplished criminal who rose through the ranks to become the fourth chairman of the Tojo clan. For the uninitiated, modern-day clans are the Japanese equivalent of gangs.
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Close enough.
After enjoying a brief stint at the top of Tokyo’s seedy underbelly, Kazuma decided to retire to the sunny island of Okinawa and manage the local orphanage. This is the setup for — not the resolution to — Yakuza 3. That’s right — the central plot of Yakuza 3 was more or less stolen from The Mighty Ducks.
There’s a little more to it. Various outside interests, including both the titular Yakuza and the Japanese government, have plans for the land Kazuma’s orphanage sits on, but you’re still playing a game that’s roughly 50 percent street fights and 50 percent parenting. Saying the game is weird qualifies as an entry for understatement of the year.
Let me drop an example on you: You’re ambling around Okinawa with the oldest of your orphans, Haruka. As an added bit of realism, Sega even let's you hold Haruka's hand if you tilt the analog stick lightly. Suddenly, some asshole in a leisure suit ruins the afternoon stroll by threatening to kick your ass if you don’t bow to him.
Ignoring the 13-year-old girl he’s escorting, Kazuma proceeds to stomp Mr. Leisure Suit’s teeth through the back of his skull until…lo! He makes a risky bargain for his life with an energy drink. Kazuma accepts Leisure Suit-san's offering of a Stamina+ beverage and resumes his sauntering gait with the now-scarred-for-life Haruka.
If you’d offered me Red Bull, you’d already be dead.
And that’s the whole game. You venture out into the streets of Okinawa and Tokyo, beat the living hell out of some gangster types, play a few games of UFO Catcher, and then return home to the group of orphans that you have legal guardianship over. At one point, an orphan named Taichi falls down while wrestling with his friends on the beach. He remains on the ground, clearly injured, as his playmates come to beg you for your help. Once they inform you about the incident, the game presents you with the objective to help Taichi. But because this is an open-world game where you can do whatever you want, I let him suffer for a couple of hours while I hit the arcades.
I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be doing right now….
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This is how real-world child abuse/neglect happens — hence, the title of this article. A game like Grand Theft Auto 4 garners bad press for explicit violence because you can jump out of a helicopter and shoot rockets at the ground as you fall to your death — which is something I can comfortably refer to as a rare occurrence here in the real world. (That's provided the Phillies don’t win the World Series. The good people of Philadelphia have elevated rioting to an art form.) Yakuza 3 gives you all the tools to deliver the most irresponsible child care possible, and the media couldn't give a shit. I’d at least expect a "very special episode" of Dr. Phil on the subject.
I’ll level with you: No joke I can come up with about Dr. Phil hasn’t already been made. Ironically, being the most mocked fake doctor on television has probably given him severe emotional problems.
Even if a group of concerned parents got wind of Yakuza 3, the last thing they’d protest is Kazuma’s cavalier attitude toward the well-being of his kids. So I bring this question to you, fellow Bitmobbers: Have you ever seen anything in a video game that surprised you with its lack of media coverage? We’ve all heard the outrage over games like Grand Theft Auto, Doom, and Call of Duty, but what games are really sending the wrong message? Have any games actually offended you? Will anyone answer these seemingly rhetorical questions? Will they do it in the comments, so we can all discuss?