Note: This story is a parody for the latest Bitmob Writing Challenge.
Apes Are Kind of Dicks
Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a box office triumph for 20th Century Fox, but a PR nightmare for apes everywhere. One ape in particular, felt "empowered" by the film:
"I have dealt with identity issues all my life," Donkey Kong said. "My name is Donkey Kong, for Christ's sake! I-I don't even know what that means!"
When questioned about the cuteness of penguins, Donkey Kong went on a diatribe against penguins that hurt his image even more:
"Penguins!? Don't talk to me about penguins!" he said. "My former owner Mario used to beat me and force me to do menial tasks until I ran away. He built his fame off of animal cruelty by throwing me to my first death in my own game! Then he turns around and helps a penguin, of all creatures, find her misplaced baby in Mario 64! What kind of mother "misplaces" her baby? A penguin mother, that's who!"
The interview ends at this point, as Kong viciously ripped off the reporter's genitals and beat him to death with it.
People Feel Safer Around Penguins
Studies have shown 99.9 percent of people would rather be locked in a room full of penguins than a room filled with apes. The other .1 percent could not be reached for comment because they were locked in a room full of apes. In response to Donkey Kong's comments, the mother Penguin from Mario 64's Cool Cool Mountain had this to say:
"I feel sorry for Donkey because he never had a real childhood. Mario was in a dark place then, and Donkey, unfortunately, witnessed it first hand. As for the comments about my capability as a mother, I beg to differ with Donkey. I am a great mother, and so are all penguins! On a completely unrelated note, if anyone has seen my baby Tuxie, please reach me on twitter at '@WHEREISMYBABY?!?!' Thank you."
Morgan Freeman
March of The Penguins proved that penguins could carry a film. But they didn't do it entirely by themselves. Voice sensualist Morgan Freeman took time from his busy schedule to talk to us about penguins because he, quote, "never turns down a job."
"Everybody loves penguins," said Morgan Freeman, stroking a penguin in his lap. "What kind of person doesn't love penguins? It's a little known fact that there would be no wars if penguins ran the world."
When asked about possibly including a penguin sidekick next to Donkey Kong to rehabilitate the ape's image, Morgan replied "Oh, absolutely!"
"Remember when Eminem was getting flack for attacking gays? He turned the critics' accusations on their ears when he got on stage with Elton John for a touching duet. Donkey Kong could learn a lesson or two from Em."
We asked Morgan if he would do the voice of the penguin in a Donkey Kong game and Freeman enthusiastically voiced his desire to "go wherever the penguins go."