Note: This story is a parody for the latest Bitmob Writing Challenge.
What's up, party people. At Capcom's booth today, I had the pleasure of taking Mega Man X Zero 13 – Part IV: If This Be My Destiny, Vol. 1 for a spin, and if you thought the added Kinect functionality to use your stupid fist as Mega Man's "Mega Buster" cannon was cool, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE BONUS STAGES CAPCOM REVEALED!
Seriously, holy crap. These are the best collection of bonus stages in a game since the secret-packed overworld of Shigeru Miyamoto's NES masterpiece, Super Mario Bros. 3! Here's a quick rundown of what I saw during my brief time with the playable demo on display, along with my scientific Nerdgasms Score for each.
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"Rolling Start" – First of all, OH MY GOD! The title, right? "ROLLLLING STARRRRT!" Such a cool reference to Sega's arcade racing masterpiece, Daytona USA. In this stage, you play as Mega Man's female sidekick, Roll (get it?!), whose "Roll Buster" cannon is replaced with a DustBuster (GET IT?!) and you have to vacuum various carpets and curtains in Dr. Light's lab. It's, like, crazy fucking sexist!
Score: 8.5 Nerdgasms.
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"Mega Man: Code Veronica" – Another great title reference! (This one, of course, to Capcom's survival horror masterpiece originally released for the Sega Dreamcast, Resident Evil: Code Veronica.) Here, Mega Man's Mega Buster is replaced with a chainsaw (did someone say Ash from Evil Dead? NERDGASM!) and he has to chop the heads off of undead Robot Masters! Blood splatters everywhere! It's fucking crazy!
Score: 9 Nerdgasms
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"Mega Man: Game of Thrones" – Okay, I have to admit this one just didn't make any sense to me. This bonus level really felt like Capcom was hopping on a bandwagon, basing it on author George R.R. Martin's low-fantasy masterpiece, A Game of Thrones (following the success of D.B. Weiss's and David Benioff's masterpiece TV adaptation for HBO). Still, this is just all wrong – I mean, low-fantasy mixed with future world filled with robots…the whole thing just doesn't fit. And the subject matter feels off, too. When [SPOILERS!] Mega Man gets his head chopped off with a huge sword if you fail the bonus level and his dog Rush is forced to helplessly watch in the crowd of onlookers, it just felt really inappropriate for an E-rated game. Bad form, Capcom.
Score: 7 Nerdgasms.
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"Mega Man Legends 3" – Yeah, THAT'S RIGHT. Remember the threequel (like that, "threequel"? Made that up just now) to the Legends series that Capcom had planned before they canceled it? Well they never actually canceled it, choco – the FULL, COMPLETE Mega Man Legends 3 is a super-secret BONUS STAGE! It's frickin' amazing! This is the coolest bonus in a video game since the upside-down castle in Koji "IGA" Igarashi's PSX masterpiece, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and that shit made me nerdgasm like 15 times back in the day!
Now, I should point out that a colleague of mine told me this bonus stage was clearly just Mega Man Legends 2 and Capcom changed it to "3" in hopes no one would notice, so it'll require a little more research on my part to confirm this definitively. But in the meantime…
Score: 21 Nerdgasms! A new record!
Mega Man X Zero 13 – Part IV: If This Be My Destiny, Vol. 1 hits store shelves on 11/11/11. Look out for it, fellow nerdgasmers!
[Update: After further research, I have confirmed the "Mega Man Legends 3" bonus stage is, in fact, just Mega Man Legends 2 with the 2 changed to 3. Very disappointing, Capcom. Deduct 6.28 nerdgasms from the original nerdgasm score.]