Note: This story is a parody for the latest Bitmob Writing Challenge.
What I am about to say will be highly controversial, dear reader, but I am a critic of journalistic integrity, and I believe it must be said.
When StarTropics is released later this year, it will lick the hell out of StarTropics' face.
I know, I know…but stay with me here. I have played StarTropics, and I have also played StarTropics, and let me tell you: StarTropics is no StarTropics. In every conceivable category – graphics, gameplay, story, music…hell, even box art! — StarTropics is so clear and away the better game that it makes StarTropics look like it was programmed by a team of diseased monkeys.
To begin with, StarTropics takes some basic concepts from the original Legend of Zelda and re-frames them into a tropical island adventure designed specifically to appeal to the U.S. market, whereas StarTropics is a tropical adventure game designed specifically for the U.S. market, incorporating some basic elements from the original Legend of Zelda. I mean, come on – isn't it obvious why StarTropics blows StarTropics out of the water?
I know there are those who disagree with me, as they somehow fail to see what should be self-evident. "What the hell are you talking about," my colleagues say. "StarTropics came out like 20 years ago," they tell me. "You're saying a really old NES game that's already out will lick its own face when it comes out again!" they implore. "You're a madman who can no longer be trusted!" they shout.
Am I? AM I?! Then so be it, rats! You're all rats, scurrying beneath me! Scurry! Scurry to and fro, like the rats you are! You will see that StarTropics licks StarTropics' face! I will show you! With my inter-dimensional transporter! It will travel us to the realm in-between parallel universes, where all things equally exist and do not exist, at one time and in no time, where StarTropics will both be and un-be, licking its own face in perpetuity! Tally! Tally ho to the transporter, my friends! No, it is not just a cardboard box I wrote "Transporter" on! That is a baseless accusation and reveals a deep-seeded animosity on your part that I must say now threatens our friendship! Yeah, I guess I called you all rats just now, and that wasn't very nice either! I admit that and apologize!
I have lost my mind and cannot be accountable for what I'm saying anymore! Pray for me, for I know not what I will be capable of when I leave the office to return home! If I am to be seen on the news, waving my pants in the air wildly while corralled by a circle of police officers, know that it is only to scoop into my pants the dark matter I need to fuel the inter-dimensional transporter!
Tell my wife I love her! Tell her, and pray!
[Note: Yes, I swear that "Why Star Tropics will lick Star Tropics' face" is an actual random headline that site gave to me. Seriously.]