I want to tell you about my smart robotic drone-grill

LAS VEGAS, CES, Eureka Park — Want to know what trends we’re seeing at this year’s huge CES trade show? Well, if you put together all the zealous pitches coming out of Eureka Park, CES’s special startup exhibitor space, this is roughly what you get:

You’ll love this. Check it out: This is the iSMaRT eTron X90. It is the world’s first smart grill. It has no competitors.

What? You saw one in the convention center? No. That’s not a competing product. It’s completely different. Let me tell you why.

The iSMaRT eTron x90 isn’t just a smart grill. It’s also a military-grade telemetric quadrocopter drone. We also have a prosumer model for home cooks and elementary schools. Our goal is to put an iSMaRT eTron x90 in every supermarket meat department in America and Southeast Asia.

But anyway. The iSMaRT eTron X90 uses a 12-camera array of onboard GoPro units to capture 3D, 4K images of crops and herds — in real time. It streams and stores triple hi-def, cinematic-quality video to the eTron iPhone app as well as the iSMaRT desktop app. It’s — yes, it’s in the cloud. But it’s totally private. Servers.

It is also equipped with super-sensitive heat and moisture sensors, motion sensors that measure growth down to the micrometer, and an onboard DNA sequencer to determine the fitness, ripeness, and GMO status of any living organism. To prevent bovine piracy, we also authenticate each animal by its bowel movements. No, that is a unique identifier.

We have, like, 200 PhDs who’ve filed 550 patents for this, so. Yeah. Trust me, we know the space.

Anyway. The iSMaRT eTron X90 is controlled by gestures through an augmented reality platform that includes smart glasses and a wall of super-fine water mist.

We actually came up with an awesome innovation for that, too: In case the drone and the mister are in the same room, you don’t have to worry, because it’s 100 percent waterproof. Hell, you could land it in a catfish pond. It’s actually also a fourth-generation pool-cleaning and vacuum system.

It’s also bulletproof. Oh yeah, ranchers are insane. You have no idea.

Anyway. It’s stabilized with a complex but foolproof network of flywheels, gyroscopes, and GPS. It’s 4G LTE and Wi-Fi enabled. It has a built-in 3D scanner and printer that uses corn filaments it gathers during fly-overs. It’s a one-touch crop duster. And its Beats speakers will scare the mother-loving crap out of crows, weevils, and ticks using sub-sonic vibration technology.

Finally, it lands on the jeweled iSMaRT landing pod — we have a few models. No, they’re separate. We want our customers to have as many options as possible. It then cooks the food it’s gathered with a rocket fuel-powered, clean energy blowtorch.

The LEDs? They’re nonfunctional. Yeah. We care a lot about delighting our customers with amazing design. Our guys went through, like, 12 iterations. You should have seen the first prototype. It was basically a bowling ball with thrusters!

So, that’s the iSMaRT eTron x90 smart grill. This is going to change everything.