Motörheadphönes: Orgasmatron or Deaf Forever?

Once, I was sitting at the legendary Rainbow Bar & Grill on Sunset Strip, nursing a cranberry and tonic (and a Djarum Black) at the outside patio bar. I looked to my right, and who should I see? Rock god Lemmy Kilmister, ringleader of Motörhead, one of the most objectively awesome bands of all time.

At that moment, I had a one-track mind. I sat frozen in time and space, wanting desperately to bite the bullet and go say hello — even just to tell him I was a huge fan — and end up with tales of glory with which to regale my metalhead friends ever after.

But I ended up chickening out like a loser and deciding that in this case, the chase was better than the catch. By the time I got the nerve to say hi, it was too late, too late — Lemmy was absorbed in a video poker with a face that said “Die, you bastard” to anyone who might have the temerity to interrupt him.

Meanwhile, back at the funny farm, I’m going through my morning email, and what should I find?

Motörheadphönes! The newest gadget from music legends to satisfy your burning earholes with expensive ‘phones and ‘buds for those times when the devil’s in your head and you need to rock out.

Beer drinkers and hell raisers, this line was created (or at least marketed) with you in mind. The earbud line, with models called Overkill and Trigger, are all-metal, “no silly plastic pieces here!” And the headphones, called Motörizer, Iron Fist, and Bomber, promise to deliver DJ-caliber sound quality and cradle-to-the-grave physical durability — fit to earn the ultimate badge of honor, the logo of the self-proclaimed “loudest band in the world.”

For the naysayer with a heart of stone hollering, “I won’t pay your price; I don’t believe a word,” we can only respond: Listen to your heart and shut your mouth. God was never on your side.

These mean machines were built for speed and will leave you stone deaf in the USA. For example, the Bomber ‘phones bring you “extra powerful 30mm speakers that can take stand six times the standard amount of power.” You might think that’s overkill, but the fools will tear ya down, steal your face, and leave you smiling like a killer.

So, one more f***ing time: If you were born to raise hell and demand ace-of-spades-level quality and sheer loudness from your audio gear, don’t play fast and loose with those Beats pieces of garbage. Seriously, Dre and those guys are out to lunch. Don’t waste your time; you’ll be the one to sing the blues.

Motörheadphönes are enjoying a preview at CES next week. Down the line on another perfect day, I hope to be able to report back to you, “I got mine.”

Can you spot all the Motörhead song titles in this post? List them in the comments for your chance to win!*

*You get NOTHING! You LOSE! Good DAY, sir!